How to get over your fears once and for all
Feel the fear and do it anyway!
Um, no thank you.
I’ve never been a fan of this philosophy. It just doesn’t make sense to me.
Wouldn’t it be better to feel the fear, identify the root cause of the fear, overcome those issues, build up your confidence, and then do whatever you were planning to do with genuine enthusiasm and passion?
It’s not quite as catchy, but it’s a lot more effective.
Fear isn’t a thing you can ignore. And when you try to fly in the face of fear, truthfully, you’re probably not going to fly as high and long as you would if that fear wasn’t there in the first place.
You’re much better off getting rid of your fears once and for all.
It’s not easy to overcome your fears, but it will make life easier once it’s done. I want to give you three simple steps on how to overcome your fears for good. Let’s get into it!
The first step is to identify what your fear is*.
Some people will find this really easy, and others will struggle to articulate exactly what it is they’re afraid of.
If you know what your fear is, awesome. If you are struggling to get specific, imagine you are trying to explain it to someone else. Think of a situation that brings out your fear, and get really specific on what exactly the fear is. It might not be a fear in the traditional sense either, it could be an insecurity or an area you know you have some avoidance issues with.
For example, let’s say you have a fear of commitment. That’s actually pretty broad, and you want to get as specific as possible.
What is it about commitment that you’re afraid of? That your partner might leave you? Your fear could actually be around abandonment. That they might try to change you? Your fear may be around feeling controlled by someone else, or losing your sense of identity. That you might get hurt again? This points to a previous experience that hasn’t been addressed.
A fear of failure might actually be a fear of being criticised by others, disappointing people, losing money or your sense of security, feeling humiliated, rejected or ‘wrong’…
Get really, really specific.
The second step is to work out the root cause of this fear.
It might have been a singular event, something that happened often, or even a passing remark that stuck. Usually, it’s something that would have happened during your childhood. As we have covered previously, during adolescence our brains are busy wiring up all sorts of connections (true and otherwise) as our frontal lobes are developing. This means that a lot of the things we fear, or hold as deep set beliefs, stem from this time.
It might even be something that sounds silly now (if it happened as an adult you’d brush it off), but as a child it may have caused a strong reaction. During that impressionable time, your brain has wired up a belief or fear that is no longer helpful to you.
Even more reason to work on letting it go.
So, once you have identified the cause of your fear, you can begin to challenge it. As an adult looking back, what are your thoughts around that issue now? If it involves another person (parent, sibling, friend or stranger), consider what may have motivated them to say or act the way they did.
For example, let’s say your fear stems from a sibling who always put down your achievements. Every time you did well on an exam, won a prize or got great grades, your sibling would always be there to knock you down. They’d mock you, put you down and generally erode your confidence. As a result, you now fear success and public acknowledgement of your achievements so you play them down.
It is unfair that you went through that. But if you look back to that behaviour, can you identify what might have motivated the situation? Might it have been that they struggled at school and your success triggered their insecurity? Or maybe they felt like you received more of your parents praise and affection and acted out of jealousy?
Situations like this example can sometimes be easy to work through as an adult. Even though this has stayed with you for a long time, you probably haven’t taken the time to sit down and really think it through but as an adult, looking at it through your adult lens, you might find that the motivation behind the behavior is pretty transparent.
If that is the case, you may feel a little silly for letting something small and easy to understand get the better of you, but don’t feel bad. In fact, feel great! That is the easiest kind of fear to let go of.
If however, you take time to assess your fear and find that the root cause is something that still bothers you, this may take more time to process. Confronting the issue might be difficult in itself. You may struggle to make sense of how certain situations came to be or why they happened at all and that’s ok.
It’s important to know that you don’t need to condone what has happened, you only need to understand it.
The third step is to reframe the situation or belief in your mind.
Take as long as you need to, don’t rush this part of the process. Depending on the situation you are working through, this could be fairly simple or it could be immensely difficult. You may not want to accept that there is any way to look at the situation other than your own.
This can be particularly challenging when dealing with fears that stem from relationships, and not just romantic relationships, but friendships and family relationships too. Overcoming fears around connecting with others, committing to a relationship, or even trusting others can be so difficult. This is because fears like these are often a result of past trauma or deep emotional pain.
Reframing a situation doesn’t mean that it is no longer significant. It means that you are ready to overcome the fear that has been created as a result of it.
Forgiving or letting go of past trauma is beneficial but it isn’t something you have to tackle now if you’re not ready. Take it one step at a time and be kind to yourself as you start to work through this process.
Once you are able to reframe the situation successfully and see it from all perspectives (for some, accepting that there is more than one perspective will be a huge step in itself), you can begin to shape your own new belief about this fear.
You might say something along the lines of, ‘I’m worthy of love and respect, and…’ or, ‘Holding myself back because of what others might think keeps me from achieving my goals. I’m letting go of the fear of judgement and I will…’
For whatever new belief you are creating, write it down and use it as a reminder if the fear pops up again. You might need to use it a few times or even fifty times, but eventually you’ll lose the fear altogether. This is a form of rewiring your brain and it is incredibly powerful despite sounding simple.
Each time you feel your fear resurfacing, you can remember the root cause of your fear, consider the ‘why’ of the situation, and then recall your reframed belief. Running through that process mentally will become easier and quicker each time you do it until eventually, it isn’t necessary at all.
Another way to do this is through meditation. You go back to that younger version of yourself and give (or say) something to yourself that will help you in that moment and in the future. This suggestion came from a hypnosis track I tried a few years ago, and I found it incredibly helpful!
During this meditation you need to run through these same steps: Take yourself back to the moment of the root cause of your fear, consider the reason behind that root cause, and then reframe it.
The reframing in this situation is slightly different. It might be a conversation with yourself or if there is another person involved, it might be a conversation with them. Or it could be that you hand yourself a ‘tool’ that helps you in that moment and changes the outcome of the entire situation.
Do what you need to do to reframe the situation and create a new belief that helps you overcome your fear once and for all.
We all have fears - some of us have many. Use this process to address each one: identify it, work out the root cause, challenge it, and reframe.
Allowing fear to hold you back is common; in reality it’s something everyone does. But here’s the thing, you don’t have to.
You can follow this process through hypnosis, meditation, journalling, or talking it out with a friend or therapist. You can move forward with genuine confidence. You don’t have to let something that happened to you in the past control your future.
*If your fear stems from something traumatic or negatively impacts your day-to-day life, it’s important to get one-on-one help from someone who is qualified. Find a registered counsellor or therapist in your area who can work through this with you.